A Little West Of Wacko

Nil Rong Chilo Bhishon Priyo…

2007-05-14T04:28:00.001-07:00

Viva la Paris! Viva La celebrite! Courtesy t2

2007-05-11T04:09:00.001-07:00

SEMI GIREBAL stands up for the Hilton heiress, Salman, John and all those who have been hounded…

"Woe to he throweth a fair celebrity in the fires of prison"---so said a once-sober Oscar Wilde.

And I so agree with that Wilde child of the West, so much so that I truly am against what happened to poor Paris, The Hilton heiress ,as you all should know her, was sentenced to 45 days in an overcrowded prison as cruel and unwarranted as that sounds. Can you imagine the horror of the silly dim-witted girl?

She's too used to the simple life of aloe Vera and crepes of shopping and socializing of Dolce and Gabbana to be cast into purgatory. And can you even begin to think of what will happen to that adorable Tinkerbell?

Without its mommy by its side? And for what? For driving without a license ? Excuse me but you don't need a license to be a celebrity, then why have one to drive a celebrity car?

Clearly Paris Hilton has been singled out because

of who she is and not because of the crime she committed. So what if she's beautiful stylish and perhaps a little naughty sluty? Why must celebrities suffer not only the intrusion into their lives but also the consequences of some of their misplaced reactions? Everyone makes a mistake so why not a celebrity? Instead of being supportive and understanding the powers that be decree almost instantly that these celebrities be given the harshest treatment may be not according to the law but at least horrific considering their unusual lifestyle. For God's Sake they actually have to dress themselves in jail without the help of a stylist!

But lets not get up in arms about Paris Hilton .After all she is an American with none of the richness of our culture and tradition. And yet in our nation celebrities are treated worse. Katrina's Salman may have hunted for sport but why send him to jail for it? Didn't our maharajas do it? And isn't Salman something of a maharaja himself? What about John Abraham that gorgeously sweet boy? How can you even arrest someone so beautiful?

Even that devilishly sexy Sanjay Dutt went to prison for quite a while and suffered for what he had done unknowingly. Something that even he didn't know was a crime. Why did he have to suffer for so long? Hasn't he suffered enough already? They all latched on to him just because he was a celebrity son and a star himself.Oh I'm sorry but I don't believe you can make an example of celebrities in such an outrageously disgusting manner!

When I was but a teenage flower girl frolicking all over the Grecian Island of Crete I shared quite a few experiences with people who'd been "in". They were of all shapes and sizes but not once did any of them strike me as evil .Well at least not in regular life but a bed chamber with me seductively dancing in the candle light can rouse even the meekest of men to become demons in action!

Committing a crime in bed with me is no sin and no law on God's good earth can convict me of it .But these men were not evil. And stars! They can NEVER be evil! They're up there on the screen, dying to be icons to all poor hapless masses who yearn for them and idolize them. You need celebrities to be upstanding symbols of success. How can you throw a symbol in Jail?

And especially one like Paris Hilton! She has given her naiveté if it were virtue. Free Paris I say and you will free the world. Viva La Paris! Viva La Celebrite! And Viva la Semi!

Semi GireBal On SpiderMan’s SuperHuman Sticky White…

2007-05-07T04:11:00.001-07:00

Spidey's back!!And thank heavens for that. I was beginning to miss that sweet boy, Peter. He's such a gentleman really taking care of his old Aunt May , but once he's in his Spiderman mode, oh my gosh, that's another ride in itself! And this time, he's back a little older perhaps a little manlier than and definitely and not as shy as he used to be! And he has yours truly to thank for that…

It's not just that friendly neighbourhood Spiderman who has me to thank especially for this theme song, but the dozens of super heroes and superwomen I've spent quality time with, trying to get them to build themselves up as a brand, as an image people can look up to and treat as icons like myself.

In the early 1930's it was Superman who looked quite perverse without his now trademark red "UNDI", until I suggested he do something to hide that obvious bulge creeping up on him every time Lois Lane came into the picture .And that wretched girl giggled every time it happened, Poor Clark!

But let's get back to Spiderman who also happens to be one of my most favourite swingers. Swinging left, swinging right, swinging up & swinging down swinging both ways if necessary…!No no not THAT kind of swinging you obscene, narrow minded precociously vile, piteously lascivious heathen! That sort of swinging I shall elucidate on further in later columns but for now you'll just have to be content discussing Spiderman's swinging skills.

Which incidentally I taught him myself in the comfort of my own home using white whips ivory chains and pearl handcuffs to demonstrate the enormous strain all this swinging might put on his body and especially his lower half, which he uses to increase his speed momentum and displacement…

Ah those were the glory days when he'd just grab hold of me and we'd go swinging together in sheer bliss and ignorance of the world around us! It was in those early days that I reminded him that with great power comes great responsibility, so even if he is really strong and safe he really has no right to hold me upside down unless I want him to!

And today he uses this very talent this skill that has been bestowed upon him by swaying and sashaying all over the city streets fighting the crime, grime super villains .I even have a soft corner for that gooey white fluid that literally jerks out of his wrists which honestly I thought may have a rather disgusting way of being attached to someone or something. Sure it might seem like human silk with an extremely high tensile strength but for the love of god has anyone ever wondered where it all comes from? I mean it's not like he has an in exhaustible supply of that stringy white fluid! Not unless his marvelous body produces it by gallons which I highly doubt considering the amount of time he spends mooning over Mary Jane. That Red haired harlot sure has been mean to poor Peter, and in the movie I just hope she doesn't run away from being married to a truly enlightened and delightful spider being…

Among the many things I like about Spiderman other than his agile sense of touch and balance is his spider sense .That little tingling sensation which even I used to get and still do at times especially when Spidey comes a calling. Not to mention his brand new costume! Oh yes that black little number looks quite nice on him, although I do believe a white one may have been suitable…We all know the black suit is actually that horrendously sycophantic arch nemesis, Venom but knowing Spidey he'll make short work of that horrid and ghastly monster, whose very image once ruined my hair!

I just wish him the bestest luck against Sandman, the new goblin, venom and Mary Jane and I urge you to please give him a warm welcome back into my world and yours. Remember he is after all your friendly neighborhood Spiderman …And who doesn't love superheroes especially in skin tight spandex? I know I do!

BANGLA BAND....HOW FAR...HOW LONG?

2007-04-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

IS BANGLA CONTRADICTION IN TERMS? t2 THINKS IT IS AND HERE'S WHY?

BYE, BYE...........

Don't get us wrong .We don't object to singinfg in bengali .We also quite like guitars , drums, bass, head banging...What we don't like is the way bangla is pronounced by the rockers.Bangla is indeed rocked, rolled and abused with the fake accent of snobs.Why does the bhalobasha have to be stressed on sh to rhyme with pasha by grown ips?
What do you acheive by shortening the chess as in Buddha Heseche/Yuddha eseche(if that's what you sing)?Buddha aaro haasbe.Buddha will laugh more if you do that.Why do you all the Rs have to roll____________-even in words like korecho , baro tomar?Its so fake...du nombori, counterfiet.How come the Bangladeshis also do rock but keep the language more intact?Same of course for spanish, portugese or africans.because they respect their own language more.That's why Bangladesh defeated Team india.

We must raise this important question:Bangla is a soft , curvy language_____________does it lend itself to being rocked?And hard rock is very hard.The answer is yes ! Bangla lends itself to stadium rock, but when the essence of the language is not tampered with.That's proven with a Prithibi, or the classic Krosswindz album Poth Gacche Benke, or some of the really gorgeous ballads from across the border, offered by Miles, Feedback, and now Bangla.But whatever you do , don't launch into a freestyle rap in Bengali_______It is horrible.

Where's the song?At the end of the day when it comes down to a great number, how many can you remember by a BAngla BAnd> How many of these songs that flood record-shoe shelves are going to stand out like a Stairway to Heaven, a Hey joe, A withor Without You, or a Comfortably Numb..?Show us one and we will show you a grammy that we have kept aside , reserved...

The "rock" tradition in Bengali music is only about two decades old.mohiner horaguli_____stalwarts who shaped urban Bengali music through seventies and re-emerged in the Nineties with rock leanings----had a far more mature outlook, fusing elements of blues ,flamenco,Latin and reggae with western classical nuances to forge a sound that still remain fresh .That unfortunately is not the case with much of today's Bangla Band , be they veterans Abhilasha, Cactus and Parash Pathar or newbies like Eeshan.Lakkhichara(with Mohin founder Gautam Chattopadhay's son Gaurav handling the Drum duties) and Fossils bring some musicality on board , but these are just two bands in a city of millions.As for those "Folk Rockers", forget it...Cheesy is the word.....

What is it with all this posing and the rock mama(in this case the maternal uncle ) rock" syndrome ___---without the music?And if these guys do want to pose pretty. why don't they get a stylist?Pot Bellied hirsute men in their late 30's don't exactly make great for posters do they?Think Led Zepplin front man Robert Plant, guitar legend Jimi Hendrix, Carlos Santana, Bono, Bon Jovi, Jim Morrison...You get the drift?Though Jim morrison did develop a beer belly later.

Bangla rock suffers from a classic rock hangover .Acutely Watch any Bangla rock concert, and you'd know what we're talking about.even the youngest among these can transport you back to the hair-band Eighties ..........When will we grow up?What about a contemporary sound>?It's not as if youngsters in this city do not listen to Incubus , Disturbed, John Mayer, Cold Play, or Jazz....Or drum'n Basses.why does the retro spectre overpower their minds the moment they pick up a guitar____-to invariably sound like a copy out of a Guns'N'Roses riff, bits of classic Iron Maiden, or suspiciously close to a CSNY tune?

Eighties hair bands aren't known for poignant lyrics.In Bengali their followers end up with a great verse often followed by a daft bridge and then a totally inane chorus section in some of the best tracks they have to offer....."Bhorer Aakashe Joto Snigdhata acche/ Bandak Rekhechi Premer Kacche///Very Nice/Why pray why does the bridge have to be" Keno Korle Eerokom....bolo" We mean ...duh?

There should be a ban on rock rebels doing "I-Am-Proud-To-Be -A-Bengali" act after every concert__________

Some Bangla Rock Bands have graduated from Hindi Music...

There are no Women in the rock Scene. Almost !

The jury feels that in two years time it will die down.....
.

Aishwarya-Abhishek in an awesome scene from Guru

2007-04-22T11:51:00.001-07:00

Semi GireBal on AbASh

2007-04-20T03:53:00.000-07:00

Unless you have been sleeping next to a cold-hearted albeit able bodied Frenchman with a penchant for Arctic holidays you'll realize that its getting awfully hot in our country.If you didn't, fear not for neither did I! One of the perils of the high life, I'm afraid but I don't seem to get out in the sun that much.But from what I hear and know to be true, the bloody heat is absolutely killing everyone out here!
Everyone's getting hot and sweaty just standing in the sun for a few minutes Imagine what is happening to those poor souls who actually work in the heat!
But at least it's something everyone is sharing .All this active heat between us , running through us coursing through our veins our bodies and our minds must culminate in something.it makes one seaty just thinking that dirty little thought doesn't it? But things are bound to happen . That's what obviously happens when it gets too hot.Something explodes out of proportions...Like a kiss between a snub-nosed beauty and an older beast.//?
Oh dont tell me you didnt hear it ALL over the news?Its the only thing everyone would talk about.The betrayer of hearts Richard Gere kissing lissome but somewhat light headed Shilpa Shetty!Imagine the horror of it!That too by force just like the horrid Punjabi boy who tried to harm that poor all round angel, Rakhi......May God bless her courage!In fact little Richie tried kissing her quite a few times but the poor girl didn't seem to know how to be kissed by him!And all this in the heart o Delhi right in the middle of an event organised for truck drivers.Really!Its quite indecent of them to do this in front of so many young Indians who have already so prone to think vilely about such things! Well at least Richard had the decency to shout, "No Condom No Sex"
The other gathering heat is my darling Abhishgek's wedding to the gorgeous Aishwarya of course!Its going to be a fantastic wedding and I'm just waiting for the 4 page invitation which should be arriving as you read this complete with double "A" embossed on the cover!Too bad its high profile wedding and they dun need riff raff coming there otherwise i'm sure they'd invite all their fans too...........I'm so sorry that some of their own friends have not been invited.I'm so sorry that Shah Rukh and Gauri poor things that they haven't been invited.Nor has that rather handy hunk Salman or that cutie little cretin Aamir.Well may be Sunil Sheity can fill them in on the details since he's been invited along with Yashji the Ambani brother and little KAran or Kjo as I like to call him!
And you have the summer heat to thank for all this!i just hope the dear darlings have air conditioning so they don't get that hot on their hot wedding night1 Can you imagine wearing all sweaty wet sticky itchy scratchy and naughty at the same time....to be continued have to go to "masir" marriage complete later or mom will kill be all my kins will be mad with me bye bye

2007-04-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

METEROSEXUAL(FUL BABU.....) THE MAN IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEMININE SIDE,WHICH COULD BE ANYTHING FROM NAIL POLISH TO A TASTE FOR DAMIEN HURST OR THE ABILITY TO HOLD FORTH ON THE CAREFUL BALANCE OF RIPE PEACHY CHARDONNAY FLAVORS AND YEASTY CHARACTERS OR A KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO USE BALSAMIC VINEGAR OR BABY DIAPERS.WITHOUT HAVING TO BE GAY.THE METEROSEXUAL-----WHICH DOES NOT MEAN SOMEONE WHO HAS SEX IN THE METRO------WAS INVENTED ABOUT THE TIME LIFESTYLE WAS FOR MEN,ROUGHLY IN THE 90s.SO HE COULD BE ANYONE FROM DAVID BEKHAM TO BILL IN KILL BILL TO BRAD PITT TO SAIF ALI KHAN TO JOHN ABRAHAM WHO SAYS "IN THE INDIAN CONTEXT I THINK IT MEANS MEN TRYING TO LOOK BETTER'BEING METEROSEXUAL IS TAKING AS MUCH TIME IN DRESSING AS A WOMAN DOES'WHAT IF HE WAS MISTAKEN FOR BIPASHA?(OBVIOUSLY "METEROSEXUAL" HAD ITS PROBS-----IT LEFT OUT ERR, A LARGE BODY OF MEN.HENCE FOLLOWING WORDS....

RETROSEXUAL(CHAMAR---MITHUN TYPES)

THE REACTION TO METEROSEXUAL WHICH LED TO A TERRIBLE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS FOR ALPHA MALE, A GENUINE GUY, THE MANLY MAN.HE WAS RENAMED THE 'RETROSEXUAL'-------THE MAN WHO IS FREE TO WATCH AXN, BELCH HAVE BODY ODOUR BE CLUELESS ABOUT HAIR CONDITIONER AND LOOK DOWN UPON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PENNE AND TORTIGOLIONI AND UPON ALL MEN WHO KNOW THAT.......IF PITT, JENNIFER ANISTON'S EX WAS A TRUE BLUE , VEGETARIAN METRO HER CURRENT(WHO COULD BE THE NEXT EX)ACTOR VINCE VAUGHN IS A RED BLOODED, BEEFY RETRO....MORE EGS: SUNNY DEOL.....VINOD KHANNA ...DHARMENDRA....BUT NOT RAHUL KHANNA WHO IS JUST "DIVINE SEXUAL"

UBERSEXUAL (BHODDOR LOK)

A COMPROMISE BETWEEN METRO AND RETRO.MEN WHO EMBRACE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THEIR MASCULINITY OR "M-NESS(CONFIDENCE,LEADERSHIP,PASSION,COMPASSION)WITHOUT GIVING IN TO STEREOTYPES THAT GIVE GUYS A BAD NAME(NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN, EMOTIONAL EMPTINESS ,COMPLETE IGNORANCE OF CULTURE OUTSIDE SPORTS, BEER, BURGERS AND ATHLETIC SHOES)ACCORDING TO www.prnewswire.com.THE DIFFERENCE IT ADDS IS THAT BOTH ARE PASSIONATE BUT THE UBER IS PASSIONATE ABOUT CAUSES AND PRINCIPLES WHILE METRO IS MOSTLY PASSIONATE ABOUT HIMSELF...EG:BONO,GEORGE CLOONEY AND MARQUEZ(WE WISH THERE WERE MORE)..

PETROSEXUAL(MISTRI)

COULD MEAN A PERSON OBSESSED WITH CARS,CAR ENGINES,MOTORSPORTS AND GENERALLY THINGS THAT RUN ON PETROL.HE IS USUALLY A MAN AND THE WORD IS USUALLY USED DEROGATORILY, USUALLY BY WOMEN.AS IN WIFE"YOUR CAR INTERESTS YOU MUCH MORE THATI DO.YOU ARE A PETROSEXUAL"HUSBAND:YES SHE HAS THE BETTER BODY'EXAMPLE...ALL MTV ROADIES, ALL DHOOM CHARACTERS....KISHORE KUMAR AND HIS TWO BROTHERS IN CHALTI KA NAAM GARI.....IT COULD ALSO MEAN SOMEONE WHO IS VERY VERY SEXY AND THAT IN CASE A SHE..LIKE SALMA HAYEK....RECENT BOOK-----THE COMPLETE PETROSEXUAL: A HANDBOOK OF STYLE FOR THE MODERN DOG----------THE WORDS STANDS FOR CUTTING-EDGE CANINE FASHIONS....

POMOSEXUAL(A`TEL IN BENGALI)

THE POMO(POST MODERN)PERSON WHO SHUNS LABELS SUCH AS HOMOSEXUAL AND HETEROSEXUAL.HE IS FOR FREEDOM FROM LABELS, FROM LIMITS OF SEXUALITY AND FREE TO FLOAT IN THE WORLD WHERE SEXUAL CATEGORIES ARE ABSOLUTELY FLUID.SINCE NOT MANY WOULD ADMIT TO BEING THIS...ORLANDO FROM VIRGINIA WOOLF...

AND THEN THERE IS HOMOMASCULINITY, HOMOEROTICISM,NARCISSM, EGO ,THREATENED EGO,FRAGILE EGO....SUPERMAN EGO.....MEL GIBSON.....BUT ITS UNFAIR TO SUBJECT MEN TO ANY MORE SCRUTINY............

2007-04-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

--HITLIST--

The I&B ministry has banned Fashion TV. But if pornography means explicit depiction of sexual activity that simulates inappropriate, rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings; there are many more things on Indian television that need to go immediately. Some of them do it without even baring skin; which is even more obscene. A shortlist....

1.All R D Burman remixes. A strong forum is needed immediately to stop any more RD number from being morphed into remix. Because when they say they are remixing the songs they take out the music and fill up the gap with heaving female bodies in bikinis and thongs, bumping and grinding. Sex may be a good thing, but is a poor substitute for music. Remember the three witches in hot pink in the Yeh Vaada Rahaa song advocating phone sex? Some have names though---------Meghna Naidu, Shefali Zariwalla and Rakhi Sawant.

2.Rakhi Sawant, an act by herself. Several acts in fact .First she bared all, in terms of clothes. Remember the Pardeshiya song? No, because it was just noise and Rakhi Sawant in an itsy-bitsy schoolgirl uniform in an office, which is mixing fetishes too much, but it obviously worked for Indian men. Even that was bearable. But Rakhi Sawant talking about her family and how it exploits her tears streaming down her cheeks? That’s showing us things we don't want to see. That’s showing us things we don't want to see. That’s worse than her thongs.

3. The words "Breaking News", every time Anu Malik composes a new song or Upen Patel celebrates his birthday or the President meets another group of children and lectures them on how the young mind should blossom, are obscene.

4. The haste with which channels start forcing ads during cricket telecasts before the sixth ball of an over is bowled. They can continue till the first is bowled in the next over. What are we watching, cricket or ads? May be we should have a World Cup of ads. Maybe our ads would do better than our cricketers.

5. Aamir Khan's burp ad. Even after the processing. Bodily noises are not only pan Indian Language.

6. Anti ageing ads. A wife still rejoices after weaning back her husband from his friends with her age-defying cream. Hasn’t she received an e-mail saying " And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride! ”To the girls!!

7. Serials that are still called "Ghar Ki Lakshmi Betiyaan".They are said to be critiques of societal mores that oppress women, but we all know that they are really another excuse to parade sequined sarees, squeeze tear ducts and play on women's insecurities. And we can't even mention the K factory saas-bahus without reaching out for Avomine which blocks message to the the brain from the ears and eyes that can confuse and can cause feelings of nausea.

8. Cartoons dubbed into Hindi. Apparently "mating dance” was translated as "nankhatai ka chura" in Noddy. That roots from deep ignorance about the significance of biscuits in Indian house-holds .But "granny" and "grandpa" have been retained in the original English. Occasionally.

9. Crime shows on several channels, where the great build-up culminates in re-enacted rape scene or a dowry death. That seems to be a point of the episode, more than the efforts to uncover crime. A source tells us ad rates go up for crime episodes when a rape or a dowry death is promised.

10. Recorded laughter in Hindi shows after jokes like.” Why does a bear have so much hair on its body? That's because there are no hair cutting saloons in a jungle.” And it can get much much worse...

11.Navjot Singh Sidhu .For laughing louder than recorded laughter in The Great Indian Laughter Challenge and not stopping even once throughout the hour-long show(ad breaks included).Also for shouting down every other speaker on a cricket show. Sidhuisims must go on. They're as bad as gifting a bald man a comb (sorry he's really got to us).

12.Buladi. She is already gone but she should have gone a long ago. She represented sex at its crudest..

13. Tele-shopping ads. They are so fake the men who claim to have lost and gained weight are so obviously out of job soft porn actors the old men who claim to have found youth again are so obviously on dentures and the ads are so badly dubbed into Hindi that they are actually delightful. They are so bad that they are good. They can stay.!

SEMI...goes into saasbahu mode as she urges Ekta to take a break on the beach....

2007-03-29T22:09:00.000-07:00

K-AYOED

The K-bug’s bitten me darlings and bitten me so bad. The last time it was Kevin Spacey in K-Pax. But these days its been all Ektaa. As I zapped from the world Cup (Dhoni’s not playing anymore) to the K-channels, to my horror I discovered they were playing three serials together.

Well, to begin with I don’t really understand this K-phenomenon on TV. The letter K is the 11^th th in the Latin alphabet, but to use it on Indian shows it just utterly preposterous. In fact all over the world, English is the only Germanic Language and productively uses hard Cs in addition to Ks. But on Indian television “K” has begun to hold such a dear and important place in our hearts that we cannot ignore it and accept it as it is , a simple ‘K’ .Its even a little hip one might say K?

Its true that I do end up catching these K serials once in a while and perhaps I did follow the stories if saaz and bahus going at each others throats for a while can be trifle bothering. But now , I treat these shows like my men…..Wouldn’t consider myself addicted , just mindly intrigued!

A fan of mine asked how the K women don’t age even after jumping a few generations . obviously aloe vera has a lot to do with it. Its succulent little plant, thick, fleshy and perhaps a little too juicy. As a natural product Its perfectly safe and environmental friendly and can be used for a variety of skin conditions including wrinkles and scaly epidermal cells.

Just bathing like me in rich lather of traditional aloe vera, Italian vinegar, Egyptian Camel Milk and Eastern pearls can enrich your skin like never before, even if you are 100 years old!

However I hate to see these lovely women not wearing white Baa humbug really! To tell you the truth, the women in most of these shows have to pretend to be completely traditional Indian ladies. Which means that if you’re married you must be happy and therefore colourful in style. If you’re single you must be colourful enough to remain in style, And if your husband is dead or missing in action, its time to bring on those pearly white! Its all too vintage and so reminiscent of the 50’s .Wet White Saree Revolutuon which I was a part of in early 60’s.Clearly these women need an education in what real women are wearing these days….

Well as people we tend to thrive on emotion and drama, its not very surprising when the same appeard on our television sets day in the intensity of the moment and emotions being toyed with.But they have gone quite far enough.There are some days when I didn’t even have to crack open the bottle of wine, but just ogling at rugged Rajeev Khandelwal and all others(pretty boys) made me go woo hoo!

Ektaa Darling I really love you, I have oodles of respect for your parents, especially for the way they have brought you up and your little bro. But honestly I do believe its time to settle down. No no no need to get married or some such hogwash, but do just go out a bit into the sun and see the fish in the Ocean. Just dun wear a thong on the beach!

I was thinking of making my own K-saga. I’d probably call it Kotton Kandy with Semi!

No no though that does bring to mind rather a disturbing thoughts of me, Karan Johar and some pink candy floss. Oh! I dun know I wouldn’t even try a TV thing for too long.TV is for girls, darlings, films for divas and theres a whole world out there for us goddesses!So why stick to only TV!

LIPLOCK...theres a kiss in almost every recent Bollywood release

2007-03-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

LIPLOCK...theres a kiss in almost every recent Bollywood release

Amitabh-Jiah in Nishabd....
The film is not about lust but love.Ramu cried himself hoarse.So,the kiss was no more a peck on the lips.The girl makes the move,the old man looks on and voila,the deed id done.crowd reactions:unprintable...

Celina Jaitely-Aftab in Red Vikram Bhatt's idea of WWF-----mouth to mouth mauling.No wonder Celina's lips were said to be bleeding after one of the many chumma challenges.Forget aesthetics this is raw (and red).

Boman-Shabana in Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd.
The surprise kiss in the surprise hit of the year.Boman overcame butterflies in his ample stomach to smooch Shabana,much to her amusement.Audience reaction----"eeeeeeew"to"chooooooo chweeeeet"...

Hrithik-Ash in Dhoom:2
The fire and ice liplock_------he was fire she was ice-that set tongues wagging with a vengeance.While the reel Mr A enjoyed it(and had a good laugh about it with wife Suzzane)the real mr A(Abhishek)and even Papa A did not.Ash they was found in the line of the Bachchan fire.Our lips are sealed

Semi Girebal.....On WOMEN!!!

2007-03-23T01:15:00.000-07:00

Oh All the ladies out there,take a bow .We have really come a long way .No ugly thoughts
here!We really have .I caught my friend Mira's The Namesake in Texas theatre munching on
the juicy burger:Oh the mayonnaise!I mean the movie...It really blew me away and you will
get to see it today..................I'm very proud of all the women directors around the world,especially from here.Its great that Mira Nair and Deepa Mehta are winning awards and although Mira's Golden Lion seems like an overtly masculine symbol,I'm sure it gives her great happiness to have a Lion by her beside,more than one in her bed.
Now I've never personally seen Water, but even though Deepa never really won an Oscar for it
she can make herself happy with the knowledge that at least someone watched her knowledge
that at least someone watched her film and thought it worthy for nomination!I have always liked Mira's work , from Jama Masjid street Journal to Shantaram which she's working on quite secrectively.I thought Monsoon Wedding was a tad bold of her,I would personally never have chosen such an archaic subject to talk about.But I expected something quite different from Kama Sutra.I've read the book numerous times and even been gifted it on occasion to friends,but I didn't see any of the intricate details in the art of love making in Mira's film.I couldnever have dreamt that an elephant would cause so much trouble to NRI actors! I thought she didn't focus much on the Sutra part of things......As for Deepa she seems a little too obsessed with the "elements" Fire Earth Water......and I'm half expecting a lot of wind from her in the near future!With Fire she tried to explode everyone else's senses and sensibilities.......It may be banned in India,but I definately think everyone should see in at least once .Especially the trainees at the fire brigade,If they ever get a chance to catch Water immediately after that..
I think now some actresses should pack their make up bags and take up direction.Shilpa
Shetty and Rakhi Sawant definitely! Shilpa with her keen intellect and knowledgeable looks
great for foreign markets........can go a long way if she leaves India.And Rakhi who I know can
definitely get the job done faster , better and cheaper than anyone else.I'd love to see what
story she wants to tell first!
Finally think the women of today all over the world are rising fast in most male dominated
spheres.Not just in making films they can make it big wherever they are -----sports,music,in
bed,or even in the bathroom........And in the world of films,its only natural that women be
more talented. They knowhow to bring about beauty through art rather than the vulgar and
nudity-obsessed men who focus on art ,dressing it up under the guise of beauty ,sensuality and
skin ..
As for me Ive never really wanted to make a film.I think people should make films about
me,rather than me making films about me.After all a muse never needs inspiration herself.....

THE BEST OF LAXMAN

2007-03-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

Semi Girebal gets into World Cup mode.Courtesy T2

2007-03-17T02:14:00.000-07:00

Oh my dear darlings you must have always been glued to your TV sets even as I write This .The world Cup cricket is showing on the small screen near you.Cricket, as some have rightly said,is a passion best understood by those who play with balls.And when I was a little girl I've had oppurtunity to play with many kinds of balls.It takes true courage ,bravery and determination to face the kinds of ball hurled at you
Cricket is a sport that doesn't lay much importance on the ball itself,but on the one does does with it.Ah! the joy of seeing it go over for a six or when a striking young lad like dhoni stretches forth his lusty sinews to grab the ball for a catch as if it were golden apple from the gardens of Zeus. imself!
I am happy they are playing with ball in the Windies this time.i think Caribbean is a riot...For too long in England has cricket been denied to masses, held behind closed doors on open fields where only someone with a green card and pots of money can get in...........................Even in home matches its too much serious for everyone involved what with emotions and effigies being burnt.......But in the Caribbean its an absolute blast! Maybe its in the air, in the rum ,in the beach and the sensuous bodies which burn them.....
Its more about playing the game than fighting over who has more balls left than the other.Its a rat race for runs and high scores and remember my darlings a high score doesn't mean you played well or played the best game of your life.................You must be willing to do more rather than have more as with anything in life but especially cricket if you want to be a true sportsman.
Well i was just gifted a rather large flatscreen plasma TV by a secret admirer wrapped with an invitation to watch the world cup with him! A blind Date of sort of a thing you know!So I 'm thinking about doing that sitting by the fire drinking wine cud corn and cola while watching the match with the frend...................wearing wat u ask......................I dun think thats any of your business you cheeky rascals!coloured Wigs!FAce apint?What on earth you droning about I dun wear Wigs or face paint thats make up for you buffoon....
But I will have my eyes on some men on the field.....I will be watching Dhoni closely and this one little lad I saw in the scottish team who impressed me with his disarming charm....I guess I like the greek young man sort of thing .....A creature of refined BEauty refined skill and bulging muscle........
So I will be watching very carefully ..Its fun watching the game on tv..Mandira Bedi is a shining eg..of the sweet wholesome working women of today.......but the poor child has not an iota of cricketing intelligence or etiquette about her.........Wearing saris with bats and balls on them how vulgur..............................................I did like the recommendation after all.But now she should present herself as who surely and truly she is!and not lie behind masks of balls and bats of other men.......I will be watching her closely too.........
I will make sure India wins.....by promising them loads of goodies when they get back!you know A Semi Fan,A semi Conscious Perfume and much more.........I want all of them to have the first signed ones personally by me!OF course I will make the odd call to some of them and cheer them up and inspire them,whenever they need hope and happiness .Thats all our boys need....
Remember a little love goes a long way in cricket..............

OUCH! TRIPPED by a text

2007-03-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

ONE LITTLE SMS CAN LAND YOU IN BIG TROUBLE........A FEW DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES OF TEXTS WHEN THE CELL PHONE BEANS SPILLED......OOPS!

DAVID BECKHAM:LOOS TALK HIS SQUEAKY CLEAN PERSONAL LIFE CAME TO A CRASHING DOWN WHEN PERSONAL ASSISTANT REBECCA LOOS HAVE HAD A FOUR MONTH RELATIONSHIP WITH DEAD BALL SPECIALIST IN SPRING 2004.THE PRIVATELY EDUCATED DAUGTER OF A DUTCH DIPLOMAT SOLD HER STORY TO BRITISH TABLOIDS--------------INCLUDING TEXT MESSAGES OF A SEXUAL NATURE"THE TWO HAD EXCHANGED."WE WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TEXT SEX...ABOUT TWICE A WEEK"SAID LOOS;;SMUT SAMPLE(BECKS TO LOOS):"YOU NEED TO SAVE ALL YOUR ENERGY FOR ****...........(AN APPARENT AND MYSTERIOUS REFERENCE TO...ERR NOT HIS FOOT)POSH SPICE PUT UP A THIN LIPPED BRAVE FRONT,BUT BECKS IMAGE WAS BENT FOREVER.......

SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON:ALAM BELLS
WE THOUGHT HE WAS JUST ANOTHER BORING SWEDISH MAN UNTIL FARIA ALAM WENT OFF!SVEN HAD BEEN SEEN SECRETLY SEEING THIS FA SECRETARY ,SCREAMED THE TABLOIDS.PREDICTABLY OF LURID TEXT MESSAGES CAME OUT TUMBLING.................THEN IT WAS REVEALED THAT FA CHIEF EXECUTIVE MARK PALIOS HAD ALSO A BALL WITH THE BANGLADESHI BORN TEMPTRESS.....WHAT A SHAME THAT SVEN WASN'T HALF AS ON THE FIELD...

KEVIN FEDERLINE:BEEP BYE
THE RELATIONSHIP WITH BRITNEY SPEARS WAS ABRUPTLY ENDED WHEN SHE DUMPED HIM WITH TEXT MESSAGE WHILE HE WAS FILMING THE TV SHOW "EXPOSED.HE WAS BEING INTERVIEWED WHEN HE RECEIVED TEXT FROM BRITNEY....THE ENTIRE EPISODE WAS CAUGHT ON VIDEO,WITH FED-EX TEARING OFF THE MICROPHONE AND STORMING OFF THE SETS.OUCH!
SHANE WARNE WRONG 'UN
THEY WERE FEW WHO DIDN'T HAVE A CHUCKLE AT THE T3 MOBILE PHONE ADS LAID OUT ON THE PITCH AT WARNIE'S FAREWELL...."THX SHANE" ONE OF THEM READ...THE UNDISPUTED KING OF WRIST SPIN WAS ALSO THE TITAN OF TEXT MSG SCANDAL. HE FACED THE FIRST FLIPPER IN 2000 WHEN HE WAS BUSTED SENDING LEWD TEXTS TO A BRITISH NURSE,AND HAD TO RESIGN AS VICE CAPTAIN OF TEAM AUSTRALIA.......HE GOT INTO MORE TROUBLE AFTER BOWLING A STRING OF SEEDY TEXT MSGs TO HELEN COHEN ALON , SOUTH AFRICAN....A HOST OF MAIDENS FOLLOWED ALL ALLEGING THAT WARNE HAD PLAYED SMS SEX GAME WITH THEM........ALL THIS COST THE FINGER- HAPPY WARNE HIS MARRIGE,WITH WIFE SIMON SMASHING FOR A MULTI MILLION DOLLAR SETTLEMENT..............

COURTESY-T2

LEGS.Ooooooooooooooo!

2007-03-15T01:25:00.002-07:00

YA YA! CARMEN ELECTRA SURELY WANTED TO SHOW IT OFF..IN THE SHOW...NOT THAT WE MINDED!THOUGH.........
THOSE LEGS SURE DREW SOME GREAT GASPS ...HEY I AM NOT PUBLICIZING ANYBODYS' LEGS OVER THERE ITS A PART OF t2

LETS GET STONED.....SEMI GIREBAL

2007-03-15T01:25:00.001-07:00

I know the world has always me as someone on the edge , a peripheral parasite....But let me tell you my F & F(Friends and Fans) darlings,somethingst Saturday that completely changed the way I look at the world and vice versa....
I was invited to an auction party Leeds,London.I had hidden a few Tutti Frutties in my bag for the occasion,confident that they will raise good money.But the amnesiac that I am,I left my bag in the car.And you know what,the taxi driver came and returned the bag to me.This one incident really hit me and I decided to go for a sabbatical and look for myself.
I got the doctor to do a few X-rays of me.Staring clearly at my pancreas and ribcage and studying every molecule of my misused body,I found there was only one cell left in me and that was my philosophical cell.And that helped me undertake some gigantic research on life and here's some shocking newz for all of you.......
If you could shrink the earth's population in 100people,with all the existing person ratios remaining the same it would look something like the following......There would be 57 Asians,21 Europeans,!4 from the Western Hemisphere,both north and south,and eight Africans........
Out of the 1`00,52 will be female and 48 male...70 non white and 30 white......70 would be non christian and 30 christian.........89 would be heterosexual and 11 homosexual..
Six people would posses 59% of the entire world's wealth and all six would be from United States.Of the 100,80 would live in sub-standard housing,70 would be unable to read,50 would suffer from malnutrition.One would be near death,One would be near birth,One would have college education and One would own a computer........Thats not all.If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harrasment ,arrest,torture,or death,you are blessed than more than 3 billion people world wide...
If you have food in the refrigerator,clothes on your back and aroofoverhead...and a place to sleep.....you are richer than 75% of the world........If you have money in the bank,in your wallet and a spare change in dish someplace,you are in among top 8% of world wealthy.And if your parents are still alive and still married you are rare............
After these shocking bits and pieces of statistics......I want you all to know that I am a calm and passive woman who loves nature.But if I ever hear you grumble in life again then then I will make you listen to my favourite classical Zumba music from 1820's,which involves the harpoon and drum sticks made of human bones.
On a more +ve note,we are all changed now because we know we are so lucky.I request you all to go out and buy a few more diamonds and be more compassionalte to yourself.Cheers!
P.S.-In life where everything in an illusion and the whole world is a lie,I think I grossly overpaid for those diamonds.......

RENDEVOUS SEMI GIREBAL

2007-03-15T01:25:00.000-07:00

MY DEAR DARLINGS.I HAVE BEEN AWAY AND TRAVELLING ON VERY CRAZY EXPEDITIONS.THIS MAY MAY JUST BE ONE OF MY LAST LETTERS FOR I AM WRITING MY LAST LETTERS SINCE I AM WRITING FROM AN URINAL 40 FEET UNDER THE GROUND. I WAS TIRED OF ALL THE SOCIALITE PARTIES AND REALLY WANTED TO EMBARK UPON SOMETHING PHILOSOPHICAL,SOMETHING DEEP SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE UNIVERSE.AND I FOUND MYSELF WRITING POETRY THE FEW LINE God Created the Fly But Never Told us Why The real trouble of life is that ,a kitten eventually grows to a cat. THESE QUESTIONS WERE BOTHERING ME SO MUCH .I WOULD WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS.MY CONDITION WAS WORSENING EVERY HOUR.WE MAY BE HAVING NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS,DEGRADATIONS,AND GLOBAL WARMING BUT THE KITTEN GROWING INTO THE CAT WAS HAUNTING ME.... EUREKA! I FOUND THE BECAUSE OF MY CAUSE.I WAS LOSING A SMALL AMOUNT OF MY HAIR EVERYDAY .YES IT IS TRUE I WAS LOSING EVERY INCH OF MY HAIR.THEN I TRAVELLED AND TRAVELLED AND TRAVELLED AND WENT AND FOUND HIDDEN CAVES OF MOUNT TUTU(U DIDNT HAVE TO MOUNT TUTUT)AND THERE I FOUND THE REASON OF MY HAIR LOSS. AND EVERYTHING FAILED ME EXCEPT FAITH.THEY SAW FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS ,NOW IF FAITH CAN SHE MUST BE A VERY BIG GIRL........SO I FOUND HER.SHE WAS 8 FT 9 AND HER NOSTRILS WERE BIGGER THAN THE GIGANTIC CAVES WITH THE HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE GIREBAL HALL OF FAME.....AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT AS FAITH WAS SLEEPING I ENTERED THE CREVICE OF HER NOSE AND FINALLY FOUND THE MANUSCRIPT LIKE NO OTHER........... SALMAN, ARE YOU READING THIS! AKSHAYE IS THAT THINKING CAP STILL HIDING YOUR RECEDING HAIRLINE ?FRIENDS ,BALDIES AND HAIRY SOULS PEOPLE WOULD NEVER BE BALD AGAIN.SO WHAT DO U HAVE HAVE TO DO....?ANUPAM,RAKESH PRITISH ARE U ALL TAKING NOTES. AT THE STOKE OF MIDNIGHT EVERY ALTERNATE SATURDAY U HAVE TO PLUCK ONE HAIR FROM THEIR CHESTS (INCLUDING WOMEN)______AND REPEAT THE SACRED PRAYER ...HOW HAPPY IS THE MORON? THEN U PLANT THE HAIR IN A SMALL LITTLE POT AND CARESS IT EVERYDAY GENTLY AND NURTURE IT TILL IT BECOMES A GIGANTIC BUSH .. AND THEN EVERY BALD PERSON U KNOW SEE(DO NOT LET MAHESH BHATT )U MUST KIDNAP AND PLANT THE GIGANTIC BUSH ON HIS HEAD..........AND LEAVE IT FOREVER... AS TIME GOES IT WILL START SPROUTING HAIR FROM ALL PARTS OF YOUR BODY..BEFORE ALL U GET TOGETHER AND RELIVE THE WORLD OF BALDINESS DONT FORGET TO RECITE THE POEM BEFORE U CATCH A BALD BLOKE.....................

Who's Semi Girebal

2007-02-12T08:26:00.000-08:00

Its 9.30pm and you know the lady in white will be all over her guest on Star World..
oooooohhh - its such

an amazing thing to see you in the studio, is your family the thing that supports you.... oooh lala.blahblahblah

I was flicking channels and just managed to see something similar on MTV --- ??!!! gosh simi aunty is on MTV at the same time ??!!!??

that’s how i managed to see Rendezvous with ’’Semi Girebaal’’ -- hey’s its a great spoof and putting it on air at the same time as the original is a killer idea!
Cyrus Sahukar is too good. He really has done his homework so everything is up for being made fun of -- from the white look to the gifts to the sets to Simi’s pet phrases and exclamations.
I really liked the one about saurav ganguly and greg chappal/ chappell. Its a great way to end your weekend - he really makes it funny.