Semi GireBal On SpiderMan’s SuperHuman Sticky White…

Spidey's back!!And thank heavens for that. I was beginning to miss that sweet boy, Peter. He's such a gentleman really taking care of his old Aunt May , but once he's in his Spiderman mode, oh my gosh, that's another ride in itself! And this time, he's back a little older perhaps a little manlier than and definitely and not as shy as he used to be! And he has yours truly to thank for that…

It's not just that friendly neighbourhood Spiderman who has me to thank especially for this theme song, but the dozens of super heroes and superwomen I've spent quality time with, trying to get them to build themselves up as a brand, as an image people can look up to and treat as icons like myself.

In the early 1930's it was Superman who looked quite perverse without his now trademark red "UNDI", until I suggested he do something to hide that obvious bulge creeping up on him every time Lois Lane came into the picture .And that wretched girl giggled every time it happened, Poor Clark!

But let's get back to Spiderman who also happens to be one of my most favourite swingers. Swinging left, swinging right, swinging up & swinging down swinging both ways if necessary…!No no not THAT kind of swinging you obscene, narrow minded precociously vile, piteously lascivious heathen! That sort of swinging I shall elucidate on further in later columns but for now you'll just have to be content discussing Spiderman's swinging skills.

Which incidentally I taught him myself in the comfort of my own home using white whips ivory chains and pearl handcuffs to demonstrate the enormous strain all this swinging might put on his body and especially his lower half, which he uses to increase his speed momentum and displacement…

Ah those were the glory days when he'd just grab hold of me and we'd go swinging together in sheer bliss and ignorance of the world around us! It was in those early days that I reminded him that with great power comes great responsibility, so even if he is really strong and safe he really has no right to hold me upside down unless I want him to!

And today he uses this very talent this skill that has been bestowed upon him by swaying and sashaying all over the city streets fighting the crime, grime super villains .I even have a soft corner for that gooey white fluid that literally jerks out of his wrists which honestly I thought may have a rather disgusting way of being attached to someone or something. Sure it might seem like human silk with an extremely high tensile strength but for the love of god has anyone ever wondered where it all comes from? I mean it's not like he has an in exhaustible supply of that stringy white fluid! Not unless his marvelous body produces it by gallons which I highly doubt considering the amount of time he spends mooning over Mary Jane. That Red haired harlot sure has been mean to poor Peter, and in the movie I just hope she doesn't run away from being married to a truly enlightened and delightful spider being…

Among the many things I like about Spiderman other than his agile sense of touch and balance is his spider sense .That little tingling sensation which even I used to get and still do at times especially when Spidey comes a calling. Not to mention his brand new costume! Oh yes that black little number looks quite nice on him, although I do believe a white one may have been suitable…We all know the black suit is actually that horrendously sycophantic arch nemesis, Venom but knowing Spidey he'll make short work of that horrid and ghastly monster, whose very image once ruined my hair!

I just wish him the bestest luck against Sandman, the new goblin, venom and Mary Jane and I urge you to please give him a warm welcome back into my world and yours. Remember he is after all your friendly neighborhood Spiderman …And who doesn't love superheroes especially in skin tight spandex? I know I do!